Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
