I wish I only lived at night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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