I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
