sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
