There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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