i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize