Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
