I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
