someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
