11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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