You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
