8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
