He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
