Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
