I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can't motorboat a personality
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
