I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
