Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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