theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb