the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.