if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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