mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
