one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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