Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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