The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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