I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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