i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
