she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
