it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
