im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
