I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
