I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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