Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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