What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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