someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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