i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
