I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just google imaged poop.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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