Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
