He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
