she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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