btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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