my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
sarcasm needs its own font
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
