My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
jump out the window naked night went bad
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