Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
