and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
