I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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