Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
