apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
