Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
