you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
