i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
