white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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