That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
