Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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